Peter Rhodes on the HS2 sums, the grisly truth about graveyards and the public suffering of princes

MATHS for beginners. Michel says Boris's divorce bill is £39 billion. Boris says it is only £9 billion. Both Michel and Boris have consulted their lawyers. Question: By the time the lawyers have finished, how many billions will be left?

MEANWHILE, a major independent review could spell the end of HS2, the high-speed railway that nobody wants. One argument raised in favour of plodding on with this monstrous white elephant is that we have already spent £7.4 billion on it, which would be lost. But would it be? Much of this money has been spent acquiring land, homes and commercial premises to make way for the track - and many of the reluctant sellers claim they were paid far below the market rate. So if all that land and property were auctioned off by the Government at a fair price, might the taxpayer actually end up in profit?

IT is good that high-profile celebrities perform little acts of penance to make up for the despoilation of this planet by the wealthy. If nothing else, it provides harmless entertainment for us peasants. Harry and Meghan got off to a bad start, flying by private jet to visit Sir Elton John, even though Sir Elton claimed to have offset the emissions. William and Kate, noting the row, took care to be seen flying economy-class to Scotland at just £73 a head. How far will they go in this race to be the purer?

THERE is a fine historical precedent for a royal form of travel involving recantation, self-abasement and discomfort. In July 1174, Henry II did public penance for accidentally (his version) ordering the murder of Thomas Becket. The king walked barefoot in a woollen smock through the streets of Canterbury to the martyr's tomb where, according to one account, "he lay and of his free will was whipped by all the bishops and abbots there present and each individual monk of the church of Canterbury." Might be worth a try, Harry and Wills. Public scourging is excellent PR for the Palace, good for the soul and carbon-neutral, too.

A READER notes that old churchyards are often higher than the surrounding land and wonders whether, in ye olden times, church authorities imported topsoil to make grave-digging easier. The truth is altogether grimmer. A typical village church dating back nearly 1,000 years and having only 10 funerals a year, is surrounded by 10,000 bodies. Some parish churchyards are the final resting places of tens of thousands of worshippers, which is why the soil in the graveyard can be up to 10ft above its original level. You can't put a price on trivia.

PORK pies, cauliflowers and shower trays are among the British goods slapped with hefty tariffs when imported in the United States. While Boris Johnson argues on financial grounds against tariffs, one of our Great British superchefs should be making the gastronomical case. Yanks love food but are being denied that great old English recipe, cauliflower and pork-pie goulash, served in a shower tray.