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My predictions for 2019 are a year of mirth and mayhem

Readers' letters | Published:

In an effort to bring some mirth to these pages I can report that over the last two days I have drunk 146 cups of tea so that I can, one, study the tea leaves at the bottom of the cups to add my predictions to what 2019 will bring forth and two, improve my 15-yard sprinting speed.

Are you sure that's not today?

JANUARY, Princess Margaret is revealed to have been the 87th member of the Cambridge spy ring, well the 1950s was a slow decade for her. A Palace spokesman says it just goes to show how hard the Royals work.

FEBRUARY, the UK is declared skint by the International Monetary Fund, put into Administration and flogged to Mike Ashley for £3 million. Ashley decides to keep the north east of England and demolish the rest of the UK.

MARCH, free at last, free at last! Thank Dave Allen, free at last. The UK at long last leaves the EU and immediately reinstates all the jokes the EU had banned. What do you call a Spanish woman with one tooth? One eater!

APRIL, desperate for good news the Government takes out a loan from the IMF and buys back the UK from Mike Ashley for only £2,999,999.99. Philip Hammond is declared a national treasure until he uses the money to buy some magic beans.

MAY, Russia starts testing nuclear weapons in the Arctic after President Putin is snubbed by the polar bears during a photo shoot for his next calendar

JUNE, the UK has so such personal debt the Government decides to outlaw saving money.

JULY, all UK pot holes are re-designated as a traffic calming method.

AUGUST, the Labour Party nationalises itself to become more popular.

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SEPTEMBER, there is shock at Westminster when someone is discovered awake in the House of Lords after lunch.

OCTOBER, worries over HS2 grow when maps show the destination of the line as Birmingham, Alabama.

NOVEMBER, work starts on repairing the work that was meant to repair the previous work at Pride Hill Shrewsbury.

DECEMBER, a driverless electric car becomes Prime Minister after beating Theresa May in leadership contest, after showing off its leather interior, driving through a wheat field and showing wonderful rhythm as it skidded on a wet road.

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Peter Steggles, Longnor

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